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Gardening Jokes and Quotes

by ~ Megan
(Wellington NZ)

Gardening Jokes and Quotes can bring tears to your eyes or warm your heart with joy.

"Does a Bok bring you Choy, then Lettuce all smile."
"When's Honeydew? The Thyme's getting on."

What are your gardening jokes or quotes? Bring them on! Click below on "Click here to add your own comments."

Comments for
Gardening Jokes and Quotes

Click here to add your own comments
Jan 20, 2010
 Let's Grow Weeds
by: Amy

It really is quite silly
If I want to grow a lily
The time and fuss and effort that
It takes to make a show.
But a buttercup or daisy
Is not at all that lazy,
I can leave it to get on with it
And know that it will grow.

If a rose bush I neglected
It would probably get infected
With a leaf mould or a greenfly
Which would lead to its demise.
But a dandelion don't need it,
I don't have to mulch or feed it,
And I never need to prune it
To manipulate its size.

With a weed there is no weeding,
It's self-sowing and self-seeding,
Quite different from the annuals
I must re-sow every spring.
And I wouldn't need my barrow
With a garden full of yarrow,
I could lie there in my deck chair
And not worry 'bout a thing.

That humble, little clover
Could be left to grow all over
Bringing great delight, I'm certain,
To the butterflies and bees.
It would multiply and flourish
So I wouldn't need to nourish
With my poor, old back complaining
While I'm down there on my knees.

To waste it is a pity
When oxalis is so pretty
And it never is affected
When the weather brings us storms.
There's no call for manure
For the spray that's meant to cure
Only helps in distribution
Of its robust, little corms.

Should I desire a climber
Then convolvulus, that old-timer,
Would decorate my fences
And enhance my garden wall.
And if I had to shear it
I could hack it, slash it, tear it,
And it wouldn't even shudder,
No, it wouldn't care at all.

Instead of costly, fussy flowers
Which I tend for hours and hours
My "wild flower" garden would respond
Without much work to do.
If I create some market needs,
Consumer uses for my weeds,
I could sell them off in quantity
And make some money too.

Written by Kuranui, from Grownups online.
Dec 09, 2009
 A bird poem
by: Frank

A bird inexpressibly mean
With a diet exceedingly lean
Of sawdust and bricks
Fed her rickety chicks
Till they got too small to be seen
Nov 30, 2009
 A vegetable gardening poem
by: Madeline

Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion
must excite your languid spleen,
An attachment à la Plato for a bashful young potato,
or a not too French French bean!
WS Gilbert, Patience (1881)
Nov 19, 2009
 Garden poem on compost
by: Madeline and Alfie

As I squirm and leap.
Over my compost heap.
I started to think...

If we threw our kitchen scraps in a bin that was cute.
Things like egg shells, veggies, coffee grounds & fruit.
Then added them to our garden, lawn, or compost pile.
We could save landfill space and have a yard in style.

Oh how I love the way my soil tastes.
When you add in your kitchen waste.
It really is easier than you know.
Just try it and see your vegetables grow.

By the Bumblemen
Oct 23, 2009
 Gardening Poem
by: Peter

My Wife the Gardener

She dug the plot on Monday –
the soil was rich and fine,
She forgot to thaw out dinner –
so we went out to dine…
She planted roses Tuesday –
she says they are a must,
They really are quite lovely
but she quite forgot to dust.
On Wednesday it was daisies –
they opened up with sun,
All whites and pinks and yellows –
but the laundry wasn’t done…
The poppies came on Thursday -
a bright and cherry red,
I guess she really was engrossed –
she never made the bed…
It was violets on Friday –
in colours she adores,
It never bothered her at all –
all crumbs upon the floors…
I hired a maid on Saturday –
my week is now complete,
My wife can garden all she wants –
the house will still be neat!
It’s nearly lunchtime Sunday –
and I cannot find the maid,
Oh no! I don’t believe it!
She’s out there WITH THE SPADE!

(Found this poem in an old magazine, with no author)
Oct 20, 2009
 Sage sayings
by: Bryn

I've bean thinking how upbeet I am from all the peas and love in the world.

I turnip my nose at the lack of legume in economy class flying. Too marrow.
Oct 15, 2009
 Garden quotes
by: Mimi

Don't expect a bonsai tree to grow the miniature planting it.

My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden before she decides it is time to cummin.

Can you squash a squash?
Or can silver beet it?
Oct 15, 2009
 All seasons, all ages
by: A guru

PRESENT TENSE
By Jason Lehman

It was spring, but it was summer I wanted,
The warm days, and the great outdoors.

It was summer, but it was fall I wanted,
The colorful leaves, and the cool, dry air.

It was fall, but it was winter I wanted,
The beautiful snow, and the joy of the holiday season.

It was winter, but it was spring I wanted,
The warmth and the blossoming of nature.

I was a child, but it was adulthood I wanted,
The freedom and respect.

I was 20, but it was 30 I wanted,
To be mature, and sophisticated.

I was middle-aged, but it was 20 I wanted,
The youth and the free spirit.

I was retired, but it was middle age I wanted,
The presence of mind without limitations.

My life was over,
and I never got what I wanted.
Oct 11, 2009
 Gardening joke about a butterfly
by: Elisa

"You'll never get me up in one of those!" declared the caterpillar to the butterfly.
Timothy Leary
Oct 05, 2009
 garden quotes and anecdotes
by: new garden bloke

This is from the UK Telegraph gardening page about a typical exchange with staff at a garden centre and a householder.

"Hello mate. Do you sell trees?"

"Yes, indeed we do sir. What sort of tree did you have in mind?"

"Oh, I dunno. Something that will fit in the car."
Oct 04, 2009
 Gardening joke from a kiwi
by: Don

Crikey it's chilli in here
Let's turnip the heat.
Oct 01, 2009
 Unusual Plant
by: ADWells

Many years ago when I was a teenager, my Dad was out gardening one Saturday and my Mum and I went out to see how he was getting on. There was an unusual plant growing in one of the beds, and Mum asked him what it was. Dad answered without looking up, and he started slowly, "Well, I think it's a weed..." at which point Mum started to pull it up and we heard one of the main roots snap, but then Dad went on to say, "but I've decided to let it grow and see what happens." Mum and I looked at each other but we didn't say anything.

A week later I asked Dad how that plant was going. His response: "While I thought if it as a weed, it flourished. But as soon as I called it a plant, that fixed it - it died!"

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